A top question we get asked is, “How can I help?”. Any person riding the roller coaster of a health crisis will tell you that they wouldn’t have made it without the support of their community. So, how do we as a culture skip past the pretenses, toxic positivity, and the downplaying of the hard and instead be helpful? What do those who are suffering or caregiving want and need?
We will share our personal experiences of some of the most helpful ways our community has shown up for us, and some of the more hurtful experiences- both have helped to soften our hearts to be more helpful to others.
We’d like to make note that every person has different preferences and their needs may vary just as shifts in suffering may vary!
JUSTIN:
We often hear the statement that people want to help but don't know how. This is a real question that is hard to know the right answer to because it is not the same for everyone and often changes over time. Perhaps the most helpful way to communicate the best way to help someone going through a hard time, in general, is to share how to think about it.
The first thing that I have experienced is people helping in the way that they are most qualified. I have someone who is a hairdresser who cuts my hair at home every month. I have physical therapists who come to my house every week to stretch me. I have someone who has time and experience with caregiving who comes every week to help me. I have people who are great cooks who make meals every week. Our grass is cut by a friend who is a landscaper.
The bottom line is people are helping in the way they are qualified and that makes a big difference for my family.
Another thing to consider is how long is this hard season likely to last and whether are you looking to run the marathon with them or are you only available for a short sprint? Both are likely to be needed and the long haulers are harder to find. A meal train fills up quickly at first but someone who makes a meal once a week for 5 years is a whole different level of relief.
Another thing that is helpful is to think about how you can creatively lighten the daily load so they can focus on what matters most. I put the word creatively because I have seen people fill multiple needs in one act. Whether it's a friend coming to clean the kitchen on a random weeknight and providing some much-needed social interaction or a caregiver cleaning a room during some downtime it makes a heavy burden just a little easier. Also, any task that is needed every week that is taken off our list to get done is amazing. I eat a 1,000-calorie smoothie every day but Lori rarely has to make it. We like homemade bread and fruit salad but Lori hasn't had to make either one.
Another subtle way to help is to pay attention to the language they use. If they are in a health crisis and the doctor's report is bad but they talk in a way that shows hope to get better then follow that language. Pay attention to what you are saying and how you're saying it so that you don't accidentally talk in a way that hurts them. For me, if you talk in a way that assumes my progression of symptoms it is harder for me even though what you are saying is true. It's also hard for me to have someone complain about being tired or any other mundane things that they have to do that I can't do right now but would LOVE to do. So in short when you are helping someone going through a hard season pay attention to how you speak around them.
Another important thing to have is a deep well of grace and patience is so important. I can't easily describe how much grace I have received from those around me on a daily basis. All I can say for sure is that if you walk with someone through the mire long enough they will most assuredly need grace from you. I constantly think and do things that I immediately regret. Those around me have pretty thick skin and a deep well of grace. I have a good friend, I won't mention his name but he lives really close by and he's Ben a true friend for a long time. Last Thanksgiving I was really sick and wasn't able to eat or drink and was so miserable. Lori was at the end of her rope with taking care of me and the kids on very little sleep. This friend came over that night to be with me so Lori could get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. He massaged my legs and cared for my every need nonstop until 6 am! He never joked with me afterward that I owed him one or complained about how hard it was to get back to a normal routine after pulling an all-nighter. The next day I was embarrassed enough on my own for making someone do that but I felt oddly better when he said it was easier to do than he thought even though I was sure he was lying. His deep well of grace got me through a dark night and I jokingly say he saved my marriage!
Lastly, a special way to bless someone is to think about what they can't do for their loved ones that they probably would like to do and make it happen. I have a cousin who offered to send flowers to our house for Lori and had me text her a note to go with them so it looked like it was from me. Another time I had college buddies in town for my birthday. I remember looking out the window and seeing my son hit one of my buddies. He then gently pulled him close got down on his knees and looked my son in the eyes and began talking. I have no idea what he said but I knew that he was doing something for my son that I can't. It's hard to watch that but at the end of the day, I don't want my kids to suffer from not having a man look them in the eye and pour into them.
It has honestly been difficult writing on this topic because I feel like I have learned this from my community and now I am teaching you what I learned from you in the first place! So if you are someone who has helped my family in the last five years then THANK YOU! If you're not then hopefully this inspires you to help someone you love who is in a tough season.
LORI:
It is incredibly humbling to be the one in a place of need, and for so long. We surely pictured ourselves on the “helping” side of the equation, not the ones needing help. We still feel unprepared when people ask “How can we help?”. We know we need help, but there are often a lot of complicated layers we try to sort through before we settle on our response (more on the complications of receiving help later, and the people who continue to help us unravel this!).
Our community has been one of our greatest gifts in this season- I can honestly say I don’t know where we’d be without MANY hands holding us up (and in every imaginable way too). For the last 5 years I’ve kept a list of blessings on my phone and one day I hope to share it because the way our community has shown up for us is astounding and has been the greatest tool in teaching me how to now go and love others well as they walk through their valley of the shadow of death …
Yes, there have also been brutal moments that still make us cringe when we think about them. After the tears and the pain subside we have added them to our arsenal of things that are teaching us grace and patience.
While the good responses far outweigh the more offensive responses, it is the range that reinforces the fact that sometimes people are unsure how to respond to pain!
Sometimes we are at a loss of words, sometimes we share unhelpful words, sometimes we run and hide so “we aren’t a bother”, and yet sometimes we have the fortitude to move towards the pain and give healing words and share real love. Let us be a people that does the latter, and let us learn to be a healing balm to our hurting world rather than a clanging gong!
“4 Love is patient, love is kind. … 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Corinthians 13: 4 + 7
Below are some of our suggestions for how to effectively help caregivers or those who are hurting.
Another quick disclaimer- we realize there are tiers of friendship and some tiers afford you the opportunity to help more intimately. We have also had distant friends step up to the plate in the most consistent and intimate ways. One person can’t do everything - it takes a village! So, our best suggestion is to follow your intuition and the Holy Spirit on how you can help your community best.
PEOPLE WHO ARE HURTING ARE LOOKING FOR OTHERS TO:
1.Move into the hard (with us)!
Yes, we lost some very close friends when shit hit the fan. Not everyone can or will continue to walk with you as you take a long pause to regain your footing after a blow. But boy do we want to keep the ones who took communion with us without expecting a word, those who sit and cry and worship and listen and squeeze our hands on hard days or stay up all night with us, or the friends who literally moved across state lines to walk in step with us- all of these people are fearless and the fact that they are all choosing to walk into the storm holding our hands, feels invaluable.
Our world is terrified of pain, but if you can get past the inconvenience of it all, or the uncomfortableness of changing bodies and changing relationships, and move into the hard moments of life too, you will be sharing something with a friend that feels irreplaceable - you will give them the gift of persistent presence. Sit and listen and let it take up your time because hard moments are part of life too.
2. Maintain a relationship!
Don’t be awkward and stay silent or wait for the grieving person to reach out to you. Don’t hide behind the cover “that you don’t want to be a bother” or “they’ll come to me when they’re ready” when in actuality your silence and distance are hurtful.
When life alters one’s routines, dreams, and “norms” it is very comforting to be able to do the same things with the same people that we did in the past! Take some initiative to be creative and think of ways to maintain relationships - it shows so much love and compassion for the ones hurting.
For example, we have some friends we would travel internationally with… when international travel became impossible for us, they chose to table international travel and went to far less exciting places with us, and now we do simple “staycations” together. This is a total sacrifice but an example of what it looks like to choose relationship. Many friends and family cater to our limitations and come to us or find creative ways to still play games, have vacation, have group dinners, or participate in celebrations.
3. Fight for their “yes!”:
Getting out of the house often requires extra logistics and extra perseverance through a new mental energy cap, and sometimes a “no” is just simpler.
It has been such a gift when people fight for me to be able to say “yes” so I can keep doing the “important for me” things. Sometimes fighting for your friend in this way requires taking on the logistics to make a “yes” happen… perhaps bringing the party to them is easier so helping looks like cleaning their house beforehand. Sometimes getting them out of the house is preferred and that may mean helping to source care, making meals for those they are leaving behind, or loading the dishwasher while they get ready! Fight for your friends!
Just this past week I was hoping to go to my Mom’s for an annual Easter bread tradition. Justin wasn’t too interested in going, but Justin’s aunt was willing to stay with him for 7 hours so I could bring my kids to an “important for me” event. Yes, this required learning new skills, and time away from her home, and husband and to-do list… but I appreciated that she loved me in this way.
4. See where help is needed and reach out:
Sometimes it’s hard to brainstorm what is needed when your mental energy is being used to put out other fires. It’s very helpful when people brainstorm ideas and ask if specific things are helpful and it saves me the fear that someone now feels obligated to help.
I would have never thought of these ideas on my own, but here are some creative things people have asked, or done for me, that turned into such blessings!:
-” Can you send me your grocery list and I’ll pick up those items today at 4”
- “Do the planters by your front door need to be changed out for Spring? If so, what colors do you like?”
- “Can I drive you around on errands so you can be doing calls while I drive?”
- “I’m taking my kids to a museum, I’d be happy to take yours along!”
- “Can I mow your lawn? Rake? Weed? this Saturday- you don’t need to be present, I’ll bring all my tools”
- “Can I bring you a meal on Thursday night?”
- “Can I pay for you to get a cleaning lady this week?”
- “Can I do your laundry?”
- “What’s your favorite XYZ? I’m sending you a gift card!”
- Fresh flowers, hot coffee, bakery items, gift cards, chocolate. A little surprise by the door.
If you’re safely in a boat and you saw a person drowning would you lean over the edge of your safety net and say “Let me know when you want help! I’m here!” No! You’d move to action and throw them a raft. Sometimes just doing the thing, anything, will bring the right amount of sunshine to help the hurting person feel seen.
5. Be Consistent!
Consistency is something I crave big-time in my ever-changing world.
While I used to thrive on spontaneity, more and more I’m finding that the dependable and consistent things bring ease to my life- perhaps it’s that saved mental energy again!
You would be shocked by how helpful it is to get our weekly fruit delivery from Justin’s aunt, or know who is stretching Justin each day, or know that my mother-in-law will wash my laundry each week, or that Justin’s smoothie will be made each day, or that his nails will be cut every other week, or that my kitchen will be clean on Mondays or that I’ll have a meal by 5 on Wednesdays from sweet friends…. The list goes on!
Not everyone or everything can be a consistent task, and not everything needs to be weekly- that would be a lot! But, if there is a simple way you could consistently provide to a person who is hurting, like a weekly toy room cleanup, or month date in a box, or quarterly yard work day or annual oil change… I promise you that dependability will extend beyond the task and the fortitude and perseverance you exemplify will mean a great deal.
6. Be a good listener.
I guess this is a general rule for life, but your words hold the power of life and death!
We have seen the close connection between our minds and physical body. When we are feeling depleted, Justin finds it harder to speak, and move and he is more prone to getting sick! So, when we experience additional stress, changes to our schedule, or hear discouraging words we become more cautious and gear up to start combating the physical side of the battle.
Your words can speak truth and healing to someone or they could defeat them and send them to the bottom of the pit where they’ll need to work doubly hard to climb out. Sometimes it’s helpful to take your cues from the person who is hurting- if they are believing and praying for healing, it’s best not to tell them about the people you know who have died from a similar condition, or if they are enjoying a night out of the house it’s best to not make conversation by focusing on the negative.
Instead, we appreciate when people help keep our minds focused on God’s word or the positive aspects of life! We’re not trying to pretend the hard times don’t exist, but that part is generally obvious to someone who is deeply hurting. What we need is reminders that our God is the God of miracles, that He came for the hurting, and that He is near.
Suffering almost tenderizes you.
Seeing how our community loves us has built so much compassion in us and has shown us God’s love for His children.
May we be a people that does not hesitate to love, and chooses to move towards the broken-hearted, as Jesus did. May we step out in love without holding too tightly to our safety and comfort even if it comes at a cost.
Love,
Justin + Lori
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES:
Here is a Support Guide on Empathy from Kate Bowler OR, below is a free download of ways you can be helpful and catch-phrases to avoid!
We have 1million moments we could add here to show our amazing community that continues to hold us! THANK YOU!
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